New Year resolutions and why they suck.
By Rachel
“New Year, New ME!”
“Be the Best You Yet!”
“101 New Year’s Resolution Ideas!”
BLEURGH! I can already feel my eyes rolling (and we haven’t even hit January 1st yet). What is it with New Year resolutions?
Oh, that’s right- it’s my annual reminder to set an intention for the year that will promptly be forgotten/abandoned/given up on by February. Hmmm…what will it be this year? Eat clean? Save money? Get fit? Prioritise my self-care? Change X, Y, Z about myself, then feel bad about the fact that I never realized last year’s intention?
Why do we do this to ourselves every year?
My guess – everyone loves a fresh start. Even though January 1st is technically just the day after December 31st, and we wake up the same person as we were the day before, there is something about ticking over to a brand new calendar year that can feel like an opportunity. A chance to reset. To turn over the page and write a new chapter, where the story goes the way we want it to.
Sounds great in theory, but for many people, New Year resolutions never stick. Here’s a few reasons why:
1. They’re not really our goals.
There’s a reason why this time of year sees an increase in the marketing of diets and exercise programs- making changes to one’s body is one of the biggest categories of New Year resolutions, and there’s a whole industry set up to encourage that. I’m not saying that joining a gym is not a good goal, but it is helpful to check in with ourselves- is this something important to me? Or is this something that I feel I should do, because others say so? I call these “Should goals”, and whilst there are a lot of “shoulds” out there about our bodies, “Should goals” are anything that we sign up for because we think we should, rather than because it is important to us. You may be able to do them (you may even need to- life is full of “shoulds”), but you’re much more likely to fail at something that you aren’t passionate about.
2. We try to “fix” perceived wrongs about ourselves.
Being at the start of a calendar year, New Year resolutions often stem from our thoughts and feelings about the year gone by, and the things we would like to be different this year.
In other words, at the heart of many New Year resolutions is a negative judgement that we’ve made about ourselves.
Such goals are often about trying to “fix” something that we see to be wrong about ourselves, and they don’t make us feel good. I imagine the motivation behind these goals to be a bit like the army sergeant of a bootcamp, yelling and willing us onwards with criticism and punishment (except, the army sergeant is our own inner critic). Let’s call these “Judging goals”.
3. We set vague goals, without clear plans.
New Year resolutions are often planned with thoughts about where we would like to be in another year’s time. With such a distant timepoint, we often set goals that are quite big, but also really vague, like “I want to be happy”, “I want to be confident”, or, “I want to be fit”. But what do those words actually mean to you? What would you be doing differently, and how would you know if you reached them? The truth is, these phrases are often more about your values, rather than being goals themselves. Without further exploration and planning about how you might move in the direction of your values, they can float ahead of us like a mirage, impossible to reach. I’ll call these “Unreachable goals”.
4. We set the bar too high.
This is a classic pitfall for me, and involves what I call “Unrealistic goals”. They may include commitments like, “I’m going to quit smoking cold turkey”, “I’m going to wake up early every morning to meditate”, or “I’m going to read a book every month”- when we’ve previously done none of these things.
I think we are more likely to set unrealistic goals at New Year, due to that desire for a fresh start (see point 1). For some, these goals may also be a type of Judging goal (see point 2), where we set the bar so high because we are trying to compensate for perceived indulgences over a festive season (I’m looking at you, detox diet advertising).
The problem with setting unrealistic goals is that it usually goes one of two ways: we either set the bar too high, struggle to maintain the changed behaviour, and eventually give up altogether (leading to more bad feelings about ourselves and a cycle of all-or-nothing thinking and behaviour). Or, we learn to maintain the strict measures, but it starts becoming unhealthy, and difficult to break away from even when impacting on our wellbeing.
So what’s the alternative?
As Occupational Therapists, we really believe in the value of meaningful goal setting, rather than repeating the annual cycle of unrealised New Year resolutions. The Social Confidence Collective offers a Roadmapping service for this exact purpose! And here’s a bit about our approach.
1. Focus on what is important to you.
Despite what society may tell you, you don’t need to be a “new you”, a “better you”, a “thinner you” or a more popular you- you are okay the way you are. Awesome, in fact!
Goal setting shouldn’t be about trying to change who we are, but working towards the things that we value.
Rather than Should goals, or focusing on problems, we start by exploring your strengths, interests, and the things you would like to see more of in your life. These values are the direction you want to head towards. For example, “social connection”, or “finding safe spaces to be my authentic self”.
2. Break it down into achievable goals.
But we don’t stop there- otherwise we are back to vague, unachievable goals. We support you to identify some realistic steps in the direction of your values that you can try out (we call this your Roadmap). We help you to identify some specific actions you can take, and we help you to consider what supports you may need. For example, “I’m going to practice coming to this group. The group facilitator will support me to think about what bits of myself I feel comfortable to share, and will help me to notice the ways that I connected with others.”
3. Create checkpoints.
This is super important, but often the bit that gets missed. We encourage you to develop regular checkpoints to see how things are going. Are these values still important to me? Are the goals realistic and moving me in the direction I want to head? Are there new directions I’d like to move towards or other things I’d like to try?
You might prefer to create a daily, weekly or monthly ritual to reflect. This might involve writing down your thoughts, discussing them with another, or simply reflecting on your day at the end of the night. At the Social Confidence Collective, we do this in a few ways: all of our group packages include a 1:1 checkpoint session with one of our therapists to talk about your experience in the group, and to plan your next steps. We also build in some time towards the end of each of our weekly group sessions to reflect and record any immediate thoughts in your journal.
So what do you think?
Have you got different ideas about New Year resolutions and goal setting? We’d love to know! If you’d like to learn more about Roadmapping sessions, get in touch on our Contact Us page.
And, if you really want a New Year resolution, then maybe it can be this: let’s stop making ourselves feel like crap by setting goals that aren’t meaningful, realistic or kind to ourselves.